My No Nonsense Plan for Homeland Security

TSA Allowed Liquids
Image by bosconet via Flickr

Instead of abusing law abiding citizens at airports. Instead of putting everyone through the inconvenience of added security checks and forbidding poor grandma from bringing her medicine on board the plane how about we try a little common sense?

Now I am not a highly paid TSA agent nor am I a government worker but hey I am an American. I have been thinking about these diaper bombers and shoe bombers and whatever else they can blow themselves up with bombers and thought I would offer my 4 step program for stopping Muslim suicide bombers from boarding planes at airports. Of course the only absolutely for certain way to avoid ever being on a plane with a mad suicide bomber is to fly solo like us eagles. Anyway I digress. Back to my 4 step suicide bomber prevention check list.

#1 Blare over the Airport loud speaker system this repeated message: Allah is a FALSE GOD! Along with the announcements of arrivals and departures. BE sure to throw in the obligatory no parking in the Red Zone and then repeat the aforementioned phrase ALLAH is a FALSE GOD!

#2 On my list of preventive steps that can be taken at every airport to prevent Muslim suicide bombers from getting on airplanes is: Drum roll please… Have all airport personnel Shout repeatedly that the prophet Muhammad was a Murderer and a Pedophile. That should get their turbans in a twist.

As you might have guessed this is going to offend the Muslim population that just may be frequenting the airport. But isn’t that the point? I mean why inconvenience and offend law abiding citizens who simply wish to travel in peace? Why not simply offend the offenders? Anyway there are still 2 steps remaining.

#3 After repeated blaring Allah is a False God from the loudspeaker and having every Airport employee shouting the phrase that Muhammad was a Murderer and a pedophile place full color banners at every entrance, urinal, coat check, locker, ramp, doorway, archway, and lounge area advertising FREE DATING SERVICE for Disgruntled Muslim Suicide Bombers. The catch phrase of course is “If you have to Blow yourself up to meet a virgin you really do need our services. CALL 1-800-LOSER!” That is sure to ruffle some turkey feathers.

#4 If by now you haven’t successfully succeeded in offending our Muslim suicide bombers then be sure to SOUND the MUSLIM CALL TO PRAYER right before announcing the final boarding call at every gate. Make sure to PAINT huge ARROWS on the floor POINTING toward MECCA. As an added perk you could provide prayer rugs for our Muslim terrorist guests to use while praying to their false god in the name of the pedophile murdering prophet. And then while they are all bent over praying kick their butts out the nearest exit and board the plane.

And to think all this could be done with little or no TAX MONEY being spent.
Eagle Out!

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